


i wrote it down in my diary so i wouldn't have to remember

by _space_ginger_ (MyOTPisCuterThanYours)



Series: You didn't like me in middle school but now we are both losers and have no friends oh well I guess you're stuck with me [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Armitage Hux Has Issues, Crack, Diary/Journal, Emo Diary, Emo Kylo Ren, Hux is So Done, M/M, POV Kylo Ren, Pure Crack, Teen Angst, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-22 12:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9607784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyOTPisCuterThanYours/pseuds/_space_ginger_
Summary: Backstory to my own fic called "Changes the weather"





	

Dear diary,  
I admit that before I (Kylo Ren) became the broody-looking garbage lord of darkness I currently am trying to be... I was Ben Solo-Organa. And well Ben Solo-Organa wasn't quite what I would like to call the bestest version of myself. If a kid like Ben would come up to me with that shithead attitude, I would absolutely and without any second thoughts beat the shit out of my own ass. I mean Ben's ass. If that makes any sense. Whatever.

Anyway, I hate to think about this premature version of myself because he has always been too loud, way too awkward and full of hope and idiotically high expectations (that were all going to be crushed one way or another). It sickens me to recall any thought about how dumb I had been. In those days I never thought things through and got myself into unnecessary trouble. Instead of spending time worrying about what others would think of me, I should have done something more productive. Like listening to good music or watching Star Wars! Vader really would have helped me back then. I love him. 

I blame my mother for that, like a lot. Sure, Her Intention was to make her son a functioning, well-behaving individual of society, but she sucks at parenting and failed miserably. I blamed them for failing me and still blame them for the way i turned out to be.

Sorry, diary. I'm getting off the point. Something happened today... Where do I start? You know sometimes I would think back to that time in Middle School, then I did all that cockamamie (found that word on urban dictionary, means something like: to have sexual intercourse with the dead widow of Dwight D. Eisenhower) bullshit and acted like an absolute asshole towards others. Yes, sometimes i just was a little jealous of them. Oh Vader, i do feel utterly horrible and embarrassed about it but right now. Please show me the way, Vader. I really want to get my shit together and move on. Unlike my hypocritical excuse of a father, who never stands behind his own words. My "family" never wanted to understand me anyway. They never took my struggle seriously enough to care. People never understand my struggles. Only you do, Vader. I wish you were my Dad. They only see my rage or my honest disinterest, but never the pure agony that makes my days of youth so unbearable gruel to endure. Spontaneous note to self: Remember that line for later to write a poem about it. 

Anyway, what bothers me the most about this area of my life wasn't the way I let my anger out by pushing snotty children down the stairs (I would still do that if I could) but the sudden and way too late awareness that I literally had the biggest fucking crush on one of those snotty rich kids. Yes fuck, now I have to admit it: That ginger bastard was my very first crush. He also made me realize how totally not straight I am. That I was in fact really, really gay. Ben could hardly admit it to himself even though it's actually pretty obvious and not a big deal. Ben was an idiot. 

Now that I know for sure that I likes cute boys, a lot of things make so much more sense. Ben always used to tease the other boy because of his ginger hair and because he was so small compared to others like. I hate Ben for this. It's embarrassing to think about how heavily I Ben had been obsessed with him... If someone ever reads this diary (Beside Hayden Christensen because I would totally show it to him), I am going to throw myself off a cliff. 

Anyway, I told you this (speaking to my diary here) even though i can't stand being reminded of the past. That's the reason I changed my boring mortal name into a mysterious cool name. To get to the point: I was sure I would never ever ever see Hux ever again after he moved away. So when the teacher announced a new student today, two weeks after the actual school year had started... I did not waste a single thought about it! That would have been totally illogical! This whole situation is just so bizarre. And I don't like it all that much to be reminded of my time as a Ben, the wannabe-schoolyard-bully all that much. 

The last time I saw Hux had been in 8th Grade. We had written this math test and Hux had shamelessly lied to the teacher about seeing me cheat. I didn't! Of course the teacher believed her favorite student more. Hux would get an A on the test, I knew that and started plotting my revenge. I got an F on the fucking test because of him. The evil fucking genius knew how angry this would make me. I guess that had been Hux's long awaited revenge for the past 3 years of teasing and name-calling. And above all, Hux had intentionally chosen the last day of school before he moved, so he wouldn't be there to feel my wrath. 

That's my last memory of Hux. So then I recognized Hux by those prominent, high cheekbones and the expression on his face (You can't describe it. It's just the way he looks) and his lean figure and how his accent slightly changed but his voice-

"Beeen, come downstairs! Dinner's ready!" Kylo cringed as his mother interrupted his perfect writing flow. "Yeah, wait! I'm busy, also don't fu- ugh stop calling me that!" he shouted back, held back a growl and made his way down to his doom, his diary safely hidden underneath his mattress. Where else should he hide it?


End file.
